In mid-June I achieved more days being on this earth than my husband. Rick had reached just 64 years and 73 days when he ‘moved to paradise’ following a 4-month battle with pancreatic cancer. As sad as that seems from solely a numbers perspective, the fact that Rick had such a zest for life & boundless energy that people frequently thought he was 10 years younger made it seem tragic -not only me but for many who knew and loved Rick.
In a little over 3 years on my widow journey I have discovered some beautiful lessons, with Rick as my teacher and encourager. And now that I have surpassed the amount of years+days Rick was given, I proceed on with renewed intention, to keep walking on this journey with my own zest for life.
My first lesson was in gratitude. In the earliest days I missed Rick in so many ways, but I also was tremendously sad that his zest for life and adventure was seemingly cut short. As I sorted through boxes of photos, letters and travel memorabilia I was struck by our many adventures, the lively look on our faces. I was grateful that in just 20 years Rick and I – and often our sons- went so many places and experienced many awesome things. I found myself feeling so grateful of what we crammed into 20 years that I have created an ‘Adventure Gallery’ with prints from some of our adventures.
This gallery is on the 2nd floor landing outside our bedroom door. So, every time I go up or down the staircase I am reminded of this most important fact: Rick crammed perhaps 40 years of living in his last 20 years. And this encourages me to keep adventuring. I look forward to taking stock at the end of many future days feeling grateful at what I was able to see, experience or learn.
Soon after I began my practice of living with more gratitude than sorrow, I learned to let my heart be filled with delight. I realized that a sudden burst of sunshine while walking under a path of trees felt like a hug. I discovered a dried morning glory bloom gives purple dye when wet when I found a heart-shaped stain while watering my garden. That curiosity led me to research eco-dyeing and I have spent delightful times gathering leaves & blooms and making botanical prints.
There is also delight in gathering with our sons and hearing how they include memories of Rick in many ways, and how they have ‘introduced’ him to their new family members. We have always enjoyed playing games when we are together and I have found so much delight in our continuing family antics. And there is still a familiar feeling of Rick’s energy and delight. Journeying forward I look for delights with each step, be them big or small.
I feel encouragement to be more ‘Rick-like’ in challenging myself to ‘stretch and reach’ in pursuit of things like learning to use power tools to at least attempt to repair household things before I ask for help. I am proud that I bought myself a small chain saw for pruning tree limbs and that I was able to use the appropriate sealant to stop a small window casing leak. Both tasks required me to face my fear of heights and feel comfortable on the top step of the ladder! I also have surprised myself in climbing up & down trails and rocks whereas I used to make Rick wait for me or offer me his hand. To me, Rick’s encouragement is still there, telling me I can find my own safe footing so I do not miss a wonderful new vista. The future holds promise of some amazing accomplishments and incredible vistas, if I keep stretching and reaching.
The last lesson is a statement: “Keep your eyes and your mind open.” This is a special one because it is similar to a statement Rick made to the boys the first time their biological father was going to see them after Rick came into the picture. The younger boys were a bit nervous as they had not seen their father in quite a while. Rick told the boys that he was not trying to replace their father and that they should “Always keep your arms and your heart open.” I feel encouraged to keep my eyes and my mind open to new places and experiences. I went snowshoeing for the first time on part of the Continental Divide trail while visiting my ‘bestie’ in Montana. And while on a solo trip to a coastal town I had always been curious about I stepped outside my usual rules and trespassed on a private road. This was something Rick did without hesitation unless I called him back. I was rewarded with one of the most incredible sunset views over the mighty Pacific Ocean.
And it felt like Rick was right there, savoring the sunset with me. I remember standing there, a trespasser, yet feeling so rewarded with this private sunset display that I had to admit to Rick -out loud – that walking down a road meant for only paying guests was worth this sunset. And I promised to keep my eyes and mind open to future opportunities, and to invite Rick along, even if I have to keep admitting he was right! Yes, I may explore and experience things solo but I am living for the two of us.
Treasure Every Day 